How on EARTH can two people be as close as Owen and I and he can still somehow say he's reluctant to be in a relationship?? I just got home from spending the past three days visiting him and his family up in Longview. We had a great time... I learned so much more about him, seeing childhood pictures, reading his old journals that he showed me... And he opened up to me quite a bit too, telling me different stories from his past and different facts about him that I didn't know. I snuck into his room one night and we hooked up which was great too. And the trip ended with a kiss goodbye. It was amazing. And on the drive home, I realized that I was starting to fall for him. So I told him that I was scared and confused. I told him that I'm getting stronger feelings for him all the time and he told me that he could feel it too because I'm the one person he's not afraid or embarrassed to tell anything to.

And then I said, well tell me why you do so many things to show me that you have feelings for me, but then there's the random little things that make me think you have no feelings for me at all?

And then he said it.

"I'm reluctant to be in a relationship."
"Still?"
"Yes, still. We're just.... too different."
"Differences don't matter. That's a sorry excuse. You told me at one point you like how we're so different."
"It's not an excuse. It's our differences that are the reason I'm unsure about a relationship, not my past."

I told him I think we should talk about this at least over the phone, not texting. And he agreed but said he was at a friend's house so he'd call later. So that's where I am now. I'm going to ask him what these differences are and why isn't he talking to me about them so we can try to work on it?

And what could these differences possibly be that they would keep him from wanting to even try a relationship. And the better question is, how does he think that we're not in a relationship already???

I called him out on being scared of the word "relationship." I told him he should have talked to me first to realize that I'm not even ready to go all-out public or go facebook-official or whatnot. I just wanted to be able to stop lying to Stephanie. I called him out on it and he broke down. He said he was sorry and yes, he did get scared that things were just moving too fast. I told him to get over it and just figure out whether he wants things to be the way they were or whether he wants me to treat him like I treat any other guy friend.

He decided he didn't want to lose me. :)

So we're happy now. We're taking things slow and promising to talk to each other about how we're feeling. And if it gets to the point where we're ready for a relationship, we'll talk about it then. But for now, we're in that happy, can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other stage and I'm completely fine with that.

I told Owen yesterday that I felt used. And he said "Well we should fix this." And I said how. He said he didn't know. But he wanted to come over later to watch a movie or something.

So he came over. We watched a movie. And as we decided he was gonna stay the night, his roommate asked him where he was. So he lied and said he was out taking a walk to get fresh air and think about things and that he would be back soon. So he left. Because he didn't want to tell his roommate he was with me.

So I texted him, because this was the perfect time to bring it up - even though I didn't know how to bring it up exactly.

Here is how it went down:

Me: I don't know what to do.
Him: About what?
Me: The whole us thing. I can't read you and so I'm confused. And I don't know how to talk to you about it and/or do something about it.
Him: Why don't you just talk to me about it?
Me: I don't know. I think I'm scared of the outcome. Or scared to weird you out or something.
Him: Yeah... but we need to talk about it.
Me: I know.
Me: I just know you said you're not interested in a relationship at all and I don't want to become your secret friend with benefits or something. That's how I've been feeling lately about it. And it scares me that I'm gonna get hurt.
Him: Yeah, that's what I've felt it becoming. It's not what I want either. But I still don't really want a relationship. I don't know what I want. Companionship, maybe.
Me: What does that mean?
Him: I just want to be close to someone. I have all these friends but there's not one of them that I'd feel comfortable telling or talking about everything.
Me: So a best friend basically?
Him: Yeah I guess. Maybe.
Me: Well... And don't get freaked out... But usually a relationship is two people who are best friends who like to spend time together and do the physical stuff too.
Him: I know. The best friend I ever had was a girlfriend. I just don't want all of the complications of a relationship.
Me: Which complications?
Him: Who you hang out with, how much time you spend together, how other people perceive you, emotional obligations... etc.
Me: Well I guess... I dunno. It's weird that you would go into it already worried about problems... When usually it's different with each person
Him: I just really don't want to make things weird with people in studio, [Studio is our main class and we are all very close friends.] because they're like the only friends I have now.
Me: Yeah I guess. That still confuses me though. They'd get over it. I mean obviously they're already adjusting to Stephen and Krista [two studio people who started dating recently.] I don't think anything would even be different really besides the fact that we wouldn't be sneaking around anymore. I hate lying.
Him: Me too. But I still don't want a relationship. I'm sorry. We'll just have to stop doing what we're doing I guess.

And that was it.