Haven't been back for a while and for good reason. No one likes to read sappy, "I miss him so much" entries. Though it's still entirely true that I miss him, I'm starting to get back on my feet.

I watched the meteor shower tonight for about 45 minutes or so. It was a tough decision for me to make on whether to watch it tonight or not... Owen and I used to watch them all the time together out at our stargazing spot. I decided that stargazing is something that I love to do and I'm not going to let Owen ruin that for me too. So I watched the meteor shower for me.

It was hard still, mainly because I knew that somewhere in the middle of nowhere, Colorado, my group of studio friends and Owen were watching the same meteor shower... in much better weather and with a better view... on the trip that I was supposed to be on. Due to Owen's assumptions that he and I couldn't even be civil around each other or because he thought I would never want to talk to him again, I was uninvited for the Colorado trip I've been looking forward to all year. It wasn't a malicious act... I know that because I know Owen. I knew he was scared of any drama that we might cause on the trip. I just wished he had realized sooner that I'm a mature enough person to realize that since we have the same circle of friends, we have to make some sort of friendship work and that there's no way after everything we've shared together, that I could ever hate him like he thought I did. So with the max capacity of the trip being 6 and being full by the time I confronted Owen about me not going, it was too late to squeeze me in. So I've retreated to Austin to do the family and friends-from-home thing. 

And I stargazed tonight for me. I call it Step 1. I need to start doing things because <i>I</i> like to do them. I need to do things for me and remember who I am. I was a stargazer before I met Owen, so why should I stop after our relationship ended? 

I've been working on my "Nothing Book" as well, which is a tradition I brought home from my camp a few years back. You buy a journal and fill it (craftily or cutely) with quotes, bible verses, song lyrics, drawings... anything that gets you by and inspires you. The point is that you should be able to pick up this book on any given day and be reminded of who you are, what you stand for, and what makes you happy. 

So I'm on the road to recovery. That doesn't mean I don't miss him every single day and wish that we talked more (since I'm not initializing any contact... I'm letting him do all the reaching out)... I've lost my best friend and I'm trying to cope with that. As a girl, I automatically miss him all the time and wonder if he's thinking about me too. I just have to believe that there's no way he's not thinking about me or reminded of me in many ways since we shared so much together. We grew in love together this past year and I hope he takes something away from it the way I am.

As for how things will go once our classes start up again, we'll have to see. I know myself and I know I'm a good actress to be able to put on my smile that my friends say I'm infamous for and make jokes, give compliments, and be the best friend I can be to all of my studio friends, including Owen. If it was the week after the breakup, there's no way that I would be able to even look at him without being hurt... but enough time and space has happened that I know I can just be myself around him... with limits. I can't be completely how I am with him otherwise I know we'll fall right back into our "companionship" because he's just a guy who has never wanted a relationship but still always seems to want what he has with me. So I have to be strong and teach him that there's a difference between having me as his girlfriend and having me as a platonic friend. I wish it didn't have to be this way... but what do you do with a guy you're crazy about but can't seem to commit? A long distance relationship for just a summer was what it took to push him over the edge and now here we are.

Anyway, this entry is not supposed to be about Owen. It's about me moving on. Which I will do. It will be hard and it will take work, but I'll do it. I'm doing stuff for me now. And the meteor shower was absolutely breathtaking tonight. We're so blessed to be able to see something like that.

Well, we broke up. 

He ended things tonight saying he just can't do it anymore. Apparently, he says he has never 100% liked me. He said he'll be crazy about me one week and then not like me at all the next... So he said he just doesn't see a future with me if he's not 100% sure he wants to be with me.

I'm so heartbroken.

I lost my best friend and the person who meant the world to me today. I've never cared for or been so connected to anyone as much as him.

I feel lifeless.

Owen's indifferent. He acts like he just doesn't care anymore. There is absolutely NO way that he has lost his feelings for me all within about a week when we were completely in love with each other the last time we were together (not long distance). We've always both said that we're both not good at long distance relationships... But he's not even trying.

How do you make him try?

How do you remind him that there's so much more to your relationship than just phone conversations and texts about your day?

How do you remind him of those fireworks when he is 200 miles away? 

I love him. I cried on the phone last night and he told me he was sorry for being such a jerk... I take that to mean he realizes he's just cold-shouldering me. I ask him why and he says he seriously doesn't know why he never wants to talk on the phone or anything. I think it's just a man thing. But how can we make this work if he's not even trying? 

I miss him so much. I miss us. We're incredible together and being apart from him has been one of the hardest things I've gone through. What's worse is that I miss him even more than I ever missed Kyle, my last long distance boyfriend... Kyle and I were together for 3 and a half years. I thought I loved him. 

I've figured out that that wasn't love. This is.