I am in extreme pain.
Owen came over so we could talk in person about everything. I had a whole little speech prepared about how he had hurt me on Monday saying that he could just end things without any problem... and before I could go on, he said he wanted me to hear his side of things.
He told me that basically the other day when I mentioned that I was starting to feel used because we were so secretive about everything, he had a realization that he had been using me. He said he stopped really liking me a long time ago and that he started seeing all of my flaws and he's just been sort of forcing himself to fall in love with me all this time and just going along with it to see if he could make it work. But he knows he doesn't want a relationship. So that's why it should end now.
I was completely blind-sighted. All this time... he hasn't liked me? He's just been pretending? So now all this time, my feelings have been growing for him and I suddenly have to just act like he's one of my platonic guy friends? I am so hurt. So so hurt. I feel like I'm losing one of my best friends because now I have to treat him just like I would treat anyone else. I told him that and he was like "No, please don't. I can't lose you... I'm closer to you than anyone, Allison. I can't lose that." And I told him that the reason we were so close and the reason I opened up to him and treated him differently was because he was different to me. And now, because he's too scared or so persistent on not wanting a relationship, that's what it has to be. Now he is just another one of the guys to me. And he said it's more complicated than that, that we have something special. And I said No we don't if we're not involved anymore. No matter whether you want to accept it or not, we were in a relationship these past few months and you're going to have to learn that there's a difference between the way I acted around you because I had feelings for you and the way I act around my other guy friends.
That upset him a lot. He wants things just to be normal. But he doesn't want a relationship. I just think he's got some growing up to do and he needs to figure out this whole relationship-fear thing.
I am so hurt though. I can't stop crying all the time because he and I were so close. He's the person I would normally run to right now to seek comfort. But now I can't. Now everything's different. I'll never be able to be just best friends with him. If I let myself get that close to him, I'll end up getting hurt again.
So I have to hurt myself to prevent myself from getting hurt in the future.
How could he do this? How could he lead me on for so long and just expect things to be okay when he tossed me out on the street because he "hasn't had feelings for me for a long time." Which I still think is bullshit. He cares for me. I can feel it. He treats me different, does nice things for me, holds me when I'm sad, kisses me on the cheek when he thinks I'm being cute, does things he doesn't want to do because I want to do them, opens up and lets me see his memories, feelings, thoughts, everything. I know him so well. And he knows me so well. And now that's gone. I am having such a hard time accepting that I can't be the same around him anymore. How do I just lose feelings for him?
I have no idea how to be around him now. I guess I'll just surround myself with other friends for now until I can at least stop crying in front of him.
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